So you’ve wanted to spruce up your same ol’ boring bedroom for quite some time now? Maybe you’ve thought your fetching patterned wallpaper just isn’t what it used to be back in the eighties. Perhaps that grey blotched carpet (which was previously white) needs a good check-up at the Rug Doctors clinic. You’ve probably also reached the final straw when your faithful mattress fires another dodgy spring straight into your spine and realise a trip to Beds ‘r’ Us is long overdue. Well I’m here to tell you to forget all that utter nonsense – what you need more than anything is a Bedroom Dungeon!
Dungeons are becoming increasingly popular in everyday society so why not erect (no pun intended) one in your own household, heck; chances are your next-door neighbour has some kind of trap door installed in the basement. What better way to re-ignite the spark of your relationship with your husband or to spice up your secret affair with the young hot pool-boy.
If space in the bedroom is an issue, then think of alternative household areas such as the laundry or walk-in wardrobe. Make sure you factor in where children’s bedrooms are as you don’t want them hearing what mummy and daddy (or young hot pool-boy) are up to, preferably choose a room on the opposite side of the house to avoid any awkward questions at storybook time.
First you must decide what you’re actually into and work out costs of certain items such as shackles, spreaders, swings, etc. Compare prices online and check the quality before purchasing. Make sure you carefully measure everything before you buy so it fits perfectly – as we all know size definitely matters.
Next you must draw up a plan that works within your chosen area. We don’t want to mess around with existing internal structures of the house; we simply want to enhance the room and work with whats already in place. So if you’re looking at having a Wet ‘n’ Wild area, you may wish to choose a room that already has an ensuite bathroom installed so you don’t need to factor in any extra plumbing costs.
Now that you have chosen your items and your area of interest let’s get down to business (note: business socks not required):
- Clear all furniture and junk out of your room first so you can start the renovation with a blank canvas.
- Ladies, get your carpet sorted. No-one likes a messy rug, any stains need to be thoroughly removed such as red wine spills and cigarette burns. You must also thoroughly vacuum your carpet to remove all domestic pet hair. Alternatively, if you’re that way inclined then just get rid of the whole carpet, that’s actually quite smart because it will be much easier to clean for when playtime gets messy.
- Next are your drapes. You want to choose a colour that excites you. Preferably pick a dark colour and thick material to block out all sunlight to give it that real ‘dungeon feel’. Remember ladies – the drapes must match the carpet!
- Now – important tip here – when choosing the colour for your walls it will pay to use a good quality exterior house paint which is waterproof and can withstand all conditions, I’m sure I don’t need to add any reasons here. When it comes to painting the ceiling, a nice mural or artwork may be added for something interesting to stare at if you’re partner is less than lacklustre.
Here comes the fun part – DIY! You can get your hubby involved with this step or pull out the cute little pink toolbox and get to work yourself. I find most women usually get more pleasing results working with themselves using their own hands.
If you’re thinking of installing anything on the walls of your dungeon make sure you find out where your joists are. A joist is one of the horizontal supporting members that run from wall to wall, wall to beam, or beam to beam to support a ceiling, roof, or floor. You don’t want to be nailing (again, no pun intended) your sexy suspension rig into a hollow piece of drywall as you will need as much support as possible, especially if your partner happens to be approximately the same build as a supersized bodybuilder on steroids or if he’s just an obese fat cunt.
Once you’ve secured all your fittings to the walls, ceiling and ground and everything is bolted in securely, you can then move in the remaining furniture such as bed and tables. Make sure the bed has a sturdy headboard with nooks to attach handcuffs, leg spreaders and bondage ties to. Test the mattress out thoroughly for squeaks. Decorate with sturdy sheets that can take a beating and choose colours that don’t show up certain liquids as much as others – I recommend cheap white plastic tarpaulin sheets which you can find at any good paint supplies store.
Lighting is important as it sets the mood. If you can’t afford a dimmer then I suggest scented candles placed around the dungeon. Candles can double as both romantic and yet quite spooky as they flicker softly. Flameless candles that simulate real ones are great and the batteries last a long time – this is a safe option as you may get carried away in your dungeon and knock them over from time to time. You can also use these batteries in your toys when charge is running low.
As for music, generally a dungeon doesn’t need this as the fun part is hearing the clinking of the chains and the cracking of the whips or the whimpering of your gimp locked in his cage.
If you want to go all out I suggest soundproofing the room, although it is quite costly so not necessary. Your dungeon is your own private escape and the children or close neighbours certainly don’t need to hear what’s going on it there! It is your little secret….unless you post pics on facebook of course.
Lastly, add any small touches you wish: treasure chest full of toys, minibar stocked with yummy drinks, condoms, an array of lubricants, framed photos of small amphibians, etc. and ENJOY!!
Remember if you ever decide to sell up and move house, don’t worry about covering up your dungeon first. It is always going to be a great selling point especially for couples buying their first home or for elderly citizens who have just been prescribed their first bottle of Viagra. I would personally see it as an interesting feature to buy over the usual things like ’close to schools and parks’ unless that’s what you’re into.
Have fun everyone and keep an eye out for my next blog.
Lots of love,
Doctor Tonique xx
